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NEW!My math book recently saw a psychiatrist -- it kept complaining that it had too many problems. (Sent in by Chris Newton, Thales Academy)
NEW!If there is an equal and opposite reaction, then wouldn't all the people who hit the sack go to sleep with black eyes? (Sent in by Chris Newton, Thales Academy)
David Copperfield taught me not to be a "name dropper."
I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.
For more peace and quiet, how about a phoneless cord?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A shut mouth gathers no foot.
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Help! My Reality Check bounced.
Humpty Dmpty was pushed!
So, what is the speed of dark?
An economist is a person who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you. They may do it.
An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key.
I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.
Prayer: "Oh Lord, give me patience, but give it to me RIGHT NOW!"
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to.....to....ah.....
If the early bird gets the worm, look what happens to the early worm.
Honk if you like peace and quiet!
Two can live as cheaply as one -- for half as long.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you spell PTSD?
Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am busy worrying about my future?
A Democrat is a person who sees a glass partially filled and says, "This glass is hal full!" A Republican is a person who sees the same glass and says, "Hey! Who's been drinking my water?"
You can't have everything in life. Where would you put it?
Why do people say "needless to say"?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
I'm sorry, that's not vague enough for me. Could you be a little less specific?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
what kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp?
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Zen Crafters: Total enlightenment in about an hour!
I have a mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in thirty-seven states.
If you think of a color that does not exist, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
Actually, the alphabet isn't really in that order at all. We've been duped.
Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
What are imitation rhinestones?
Who came up with the word why? And why?
My friend had the 24 hour bug for three days; go figure!
if at first you don't succeed, go back and destroy all evidence that you even tried!
Just great! I finaly get a genuine idea, and someone else thought of it first.
I am having an out of money experience.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.
If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it.
If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base.
Success is not access to excess.
Great minds think like ME.
Two rules of success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spentd the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.
See a penny and pick it up, and all the day you'll have ... a penny!
If the election were held today .... I'd be surprised -- It's not election day!
No, I do NOT sit in my living room all day watching TV. I also have a TV in my bedroom.
Of course I take responsibility for my actions, when they are not someone else's fault.
If the truly wise stay quiet and only listen, then aren't the people who are talking stupid?
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Maybe earth is another world's hell.
Half of Americans can't do math, and the other two-thirds don't care.
Only by reaching for your dreasms can you gain your destiny.
Grow antennae, not horns.
The following sentence is false. The previous sentence was true.
"I am!" I said. Said I, "Am I?"
Disney World is in Orange County, Florida. Disneyland is in Orange County, California. West Point (The United States Military Academy) is in Orange County, New York. Coincidence?
When you see people write really long things on a napkin, do you ever think to yourself, "Would that fit better on a paper towel?"
If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question... or is it?
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
How does the snowplow driver get to work on a snowy day?
If you strap a slice of buttered bread (butter side up) to the back of a cat and drop the cat from a ladder, what would happen?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.
When I die, I want to go peacefully, like Gramps did. In his sleep. Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
How do they know each snowflake is different, not just reincarnated each winter?
If the world really did revolve around you, wouldn't you get awfully dizzy?
I don't want to tell lies, but I do want to keep my job.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
So, does fuzzy logic tickle?
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself twice.
I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
What you do today you've got to sleep with tonight.
As you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Two things are hard on the heart: Running upstairs and running down people.
It's not about then. It's about now, now , now, now, and now. The more "nows" you have, the more "thens" you can look back on.
Enthusiasm is contagious, but hype is a disease.
A lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
Unforgiveness does a great deal more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured.
An obstinate man does not hold opinions -- they hold him.
If you sit on the road to success you will get run over.
People who stay in the middle of the road get run over.
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
People who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
He who will not forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.
You can have anything in life you want if you help enough other people get what they want.
Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.