QUIPPABLE QUOTES

"Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence." Napoleon

My wife is so immature. She came into the bathroom recently and sank all my boats. Woody Allen

Some days you're the pigeon; some days you're the statue. Roger Anderson

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

Those who stand for nothing fall for anything. Alexander Hamilton

If people are kicking you in the behind, at least you're in front of them. Billy Graham

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. Abraham Lincoln

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. Michael Landon

Fish and houseguests smell after three days. Benjamin Franklin

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn

I'm glad God has all the answers, 'cause I barely understand the questions. Barbara Johnson

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Jamie Buckingham

I am at two with nature. Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. Jim Backus

A kiss is the shortest distance between two. Henny Youngman

Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. Harold Coffin

It matters not whether you win or lose; What matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. Colette

'Ambiguity is the mother of confusion." Roedy

Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else. Oliver Wendell Homes

If at first you don't succeed; you are running about average. M. H. Alderson

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. Vince Lombardi

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
Saki [H. H. Munro]

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
Wilson Mizner

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Dorothy Parker

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
Will Rogers

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.
George Burns

Have no fear of perfection- you'll never reach it.
Salvador Dali

He who slings mud generally loses ground.
Adlai Stevenson

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Steve Landesberg

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Jon Winokur

I always advise people never to give advice.
P. G. Wodehouse

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
G. K. Chesterton

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Harry S Truman

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
Judith Manners

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Bobby Slayton

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katherine Hepburn

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"
Delta Burke

Complete success is not purchased at any one time, but rather on the installment plan. Fraternal Monitor

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
Norm Crosby

If you're there before it's over, you're on time.
James Walker

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
William Clinton

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine

Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
Mae West

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
Eva Gabor

No problem is so large it cannot be run away from.
Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)

Old age is no place for sissies.
Bette Davis

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!
Tommy Smothers

This is no dress rehearsal. Carl Hurley

Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.
Abbie Hoffman

Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.
Coco Chanel

Success is a great deodorant.
Elizabeth Taylor

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Arnold

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

Time wounds all heels.
Jane Ace

To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.
Katherine Hepburn

You've got to take the bitter with the sour.
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.
Buddy Hackett

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
Janis Joplin

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
Nick Diamos

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
Tom Stoppard

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
William Brighty Rands

Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.
Jilly Cooper